About paradisemomster

www.lifesbackroads.com

first drivers license

In my exuberance, I slammed the door of mom’s Buick with a little more force than necessary. It was almost eight years old, but it was the newest car we’d ever had, and I was still in shock that Mom had handed me the keys and allowed me to drive the entire way, through snow, on my first day with a license.

Cringing at the sound, I yelled “Sorry, Mom!” as I bounded toward the front door of my grandparents’ home, leaving her and my little brother behind, still fumbling with their seatbelts. I hurried into the house, the cheerful jangling of the bells hanging inside the front door announcing my arrival.

I practically skipped into the kitchen where grandpa was cooking dinner. The aroma of his special ham and rice casserole, my favorite, perfumed the air, and the kitchen was extra cozy thanks to the oven. In the office, grandma was busy on the phone, booking his jobs for the next week.

Grandpa was a piano tuner by trade, with well over 40 years under his skilled fingers. Grandma was his “favorite secretary” and had been booking jobs for him just as long, calling in the evenings when people were home, keeping grandpa informed of her progress while he cooked their meals.

He and grandma also happened to be totally blind.

“This is Mary Collins, the piano tuner’s wife,” she chirped into the phone, snugged in place by the oversized shoulder rest. Confirming the appointment, she deftly slid an index card into the Braille-writer, typing up the details, the distinctive crunch-punch sound of the cardstock filling the room. Hanging up, she called out to grandpa: “Oh goody!  You’ve got another one for Tuesday.”

“Grandpa!  Look what I got!” I said, placing the laminated plastic card in his outstretched hand.

“Well, well… what have we here?” he asked, an air of teasing in his voice as he held the card in one hand and ran a finger from the other around the plastic.

“My driver’s license!” I exclaimed. “I can’t believe I finally got it!”

“I’m proud of you Kewpie,” he said, pulling me in for one of his bear hugs. Kewpie dolls were little bald baby-dolls that were popular when he was a kid; he had labeled me such at birth, and the name stuck even though I was no longer a baby, or bald for that matter. I thought they were ugly little things, but the way he said it made it seem like the greatest compliment ever.

From the office, I heard grandma calling to me: “I want to see!” so off I went to show her too, repeating the entire process. “Just think, Frank,” she called to grandpa. “Now you have a Saturday driver!”  Because of his blindness, he had to employ drivers to ferry him around to all his appointments.

Grandma followed through and managed to regularly schedule us a few jobs several days each month. There were times that I didn’t want to give up my Saturdays, but there weren’t that many ways to earn spending money at that age. Among other things, I needed the money to feed my Q-Bert habit, an arcade game in the Skyline Bowling Alley which officially proclaimed to the world that TLV was “Supreme Noser!” Driving for grandpa would give me a steady income, and it sure beat babysitting the neighbor’s little brats.

This 14-year-old was ready to hit the road!

love is… the little things

love-is

In 6th grade, I loved walking the long block up the hill from my grandparents’ house to that shining beacon –K-Mart! – to spend my babysitting money. I always made sure to have at least a quarter left over to spend in the toy vending machines.

My favorite was the “Love Is” machine, filled with mini posters of the comic that was especially popular in the 80’s. I lined my dresser mirror with their smiling faces and dreamed of having a love like that of my own someday. I was sure that life would be flowers, and chocolates, and long walks in the moonlight. *Insert happy sigh*

Fast forward 30 years or so.

I AM happily married, but as we all find out, life is rarely filled with those moments we grew up reading about or watching in movies. While there WAS a short time that Tom routinely sent me dead flowers, most of our life together has been more of the day-to-day slog with kids, careers, blah, blah, blah.

In other words, REAL LIFE. And honestly, I’d rather have a plate of nachos than chocolates, and if we were to take a walk under the stars either his knee would give out or I’d manage to roll my ankle. Let’s just say that sometimes those romantic dreams seem very far away.

It took many years of marriage for me to realize that Tom IS a romantic – just in his own way. Instead of chocolates I get oil changes, tire rotations, or a quick neck massage, even though his hard-working mechanic hands ache after a long day fighting cars.

This morning, though, he grandly swept me off my feet all over again.

Yesterday, our coffeemaker was plugging up, so I ran vinegar through to de-scale the junk and let it soak overnight. This morning I woke up early so I could run water through to clean out the vinegar and still have time to make my much-needed coffee. I am ridiculously addicted to the Haitian coffee I discovered on my trip last summer, and it’s the only kind I’ve ever found that doesn’t make me sick. Anyway, the stupid machine wasn’t working. No matter what I tried, nothing would come out. ARGGHH!

Finally I gave up and went to get ready for work. We had some generic tea-bag like “coffee singles,” so Tom made one of those for himself while I stomped around the bathroom, muttering under my breath.

“I can make you some coffee,” he offered.

“I’m fine,” I snarled. “Yours will just make me sick. I’ll just suffer.”

Stomp. Stomp. Slam!

In the midst of my stomping and slamming, I managed to knock the curling iron off the counter onto the top of my bare foot. Swearing like a sailor, I wrestled it back into place, but not before inflicting a good size blistering burn.

Fabulous.

In the meantime, Tom high-tailed it out of the room – the chicken!

When I finally emerged, he stood there with a travel mug full of MY coffee, ready to go. He had opened and emptied one of his coffee bags, filled it with mine, wrapped the string around like a noose and nuked it, all just for me! There were LOTS of floating grounds, but it was just what I needed to get my day back on track. Well, until I spilled half of it down my front while climbing into the truck, but that’s another story.

Love is definitely my guy and a cup of chunky coffee… :)

a rough beginning

“She went dusky on me,” the irritated-sounding nurse on the phone said, as if I should have any clue what she was talking about.  “We had to move her to the NICU. The pediatrician will be in to talk to you soon.”

Click.

I had just given birth a few hours earlier to our long-awaited tiny princess in a family full of boys, and they had taken her back to the nursery to clean her, dress her, and do whatever else they do.  They had finally moved me into my room, and I was eager to spend some quiet time gazing at that perfect little face and running my fingers through the gobs of dark hair I remembered seeing in the chaotic first minutes after she was born. Tom had left not long before to pick up the eager big brothers so they could meet the newest addition to the family. We lived about an hour away from the hospital, so I knew that I had some time before they returned, but I wanted my baby.  What on earth was taking them so long to bring her back?!

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monday, monday

Taking annual leave during the school year is almost impossible in my job as an administrative assistant at the local university, so other than a day or two here and there, I save it all for the summer. The thing is, there is rarely money for any long, exciting vacations, so I don’t have much need of my annual leave in the summer either.

Several years ago, my co-worker and I had been doing our usual Monday-morning grousing about how quickly the weekend flew by and we didn’t even remember what we’d done other than the cleaning, and the laundry, and the grocery shopping, and, and, and…

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flashback friday – 27 august 2010

EACH FRIDAY I HIGHLIGHT OLD FAVORITES FROM MY PREVIOUS BLOG, “FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.” I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE RE-RUNS AS MUCH AS I DO…

“NEW FAMILY MEMBER”

Savannah (11) has been going through that phase for several years where she constantly asks why she can’t have a baby sister (emphasis on the sister part – I guess she thinks we have more than enough testosterone in the house). I have kindly explained to her again and again that  MAMA’S ON THE HOME STRETCH!!!  I’m no longer medically able to have children, what with getting my tubes tied and then that little thing called a hysterectomy a few years later, just for good measure.

She’s finally gotten the fact that I, physically, am not going to have a baby just so she’ll have a plaything whose hair she can fiddle with when the feeling hits. So now she’s moved on to adoption, especially since some friends at church have adopted recently. I can count on at least one pleading-for-adoption conversation a week and, failing that, discussions about the children she’s going to adopt when she gets married (which I think is great! I’m sure by the time she’s 43, when she is allowed to begin dating, she’ll be mature enough to make that commitment).

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she “drives” me crazy

I was busy working the payroll deadline at work last month when I grabbed the phone, groaning out loud as I saw the name on the caller ID. It was my 13-year-old, and I could already guess what she had to say.

“Mom! I’m locked out of the house… Again!” she huffed, without even a “hello.”

I could practically see the eye-roll through the phone. The fact that she was locked out was somehow the fault of her dad and me rather than her own for always forgetting her keys. This type of phone call was becoming a regular occurrence. We’d even gotten one of those outdoor hide-a-keys, now locked inside somewhere, along with her own.

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flashback friday – 5 may 2010

EACH FRIDAY I HIGHLIGHT OLD FAVORITES FROM MY PREVIOUS BLOG, “FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.” I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE RE-RUNS AS MUCH AS I DO…

It’s hard to believe it’s been 3 years since this happened! I’m now down to just one teenager in the house, and she’s too young to drive yet – thank the Lord. Actually,  I should amend that to say she’s too young to drive LEGALLY, but that’s a blog post for another day ;-)

Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card“MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH”

Or, “Teenagers are a trip…”

Here’s an appropriate quote I found this week, author unknown.

“It’s difficult to decide whether growing pains are something teenagers have – or are.”

Truer words were never spoken!!!

So here’s the latest story: In our home, we have two teenagers, but only one of them has earned his driver’s license. In mid-February, said teenager was pulled over by police on his way to school one day.

Was he speeding? No. Was he weaving erratically through traffic? No. Was he talking on his cell phone or texting? NO. He was just a teenage boy on his way to school, minding his own business.

However, when the policeman decided to run the plates, just for the fun of it, the vehicle Continue reading

flashback friday – 23 march 2010

EACH FRIDAY I HIGHLIGHT OLD FAVORITES FROM MY PREVIOUS BLOG, “FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.” I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE RE-RUNS AS MUCH AS I DO…

“Where’s Chef Ramsey When You Need Him?”

I am sick to death of all the meals that I serve at home. And by all, I mean the three things that it seems like we eat on a never-ending rotation: spaghetti, pork chops, and spanish rice with hamburger.

Okay, I MAY be exaggerating a little bit, but it really doesn’t seem like it.

In almost 15 years of marriage, I think I have found 2 recipes that the WHOLE family likes. My heaven on earth would be an evening where my quiet, well-behaved children (if you’re going to dream, dream big I always say) ask me what’s for dinner. After I tell them, there would be a total absence of gagging noises, declarations of “I’m not eating!”, or a mad dash for the milk and cereal. When I’m really daydreaming, these angelic children even voluntarily clean the table and do dishes without being forced, shortly before heading off to a quiet evening in their rooms, doing their homework.

Insert happy sigh…

Anyhoo, back to reality!

Because I’m so bored with everything we eat, and because I’m always on the lookout for Continue reading

pass the geritol, please

Old people sign

Photo courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons. Some rights reserved by schnaars.

The assignment was to do an archival report to find out what was happening in the news on local, national, and international levels on our date of birth. I had a blast going through old newspapers and magazines, and came up with some interesting stuff.

Now in this particular class, we are required to bring in a draft version before the final product is due. We meet individually with the professor as he reads it, then gives us input.

First, let me back up.

I am what is referred to as a “nontraditional” student, meaning that I am married, have kids, and am older than dirt.  Okay—maybe not that last part, but some days it feels like it.

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a mother always knows

We lived in a little farmhouse on the outskirts of town. Dad was on the road as a truck driver, so it was mostly just mom, my little brother, and me. Mom’s life was not easy, especially with a constantly squabbling 13-year-old and 5-year-old.

I don’t remember the particulars, but I know my mom was having a Very. Bad. Day. We were unloading groceries, some of us more willingly than others. I’m pretty sure it was Forrest who whined about something – that’s all the kid ever did, in my opinion – when the gallon of milk exploded, slammed down by mom as the last of her patience disappeared.

Milk ran in rivulets off the counter and to the floor, drops cascaded down cabinet doors, plunking the counter before joining the white waterfall, and a light rain of milk drip-dropped from the blades of the ceiling fan.

“GET. OUT. NOW.”  Mom said in that certain mommy-meltdown voice.

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